Category: ridiculous

This weekend was spent eating Nutella straight from the jar, running my first half-marathon in weeks, watching a Jimmy Carr stand-up comedy DVD and “botanizing”.

 

Jimmy Carr

“I once fucked a woman with one leg.”

Pause.

“I should have used my cock.”

He then goes on to mime using his one leg to fuck a woman.

 

Half-marathon

I ran my first half-marathon on Saturday. At the 4km mark I was lucky enough to witness a guy take a dump behind a tree. I must admit that I really admire his technique. Feet firmly on the ground, hands on knees and arse lifted towards the heaven. It was a sight to behold.

When I relayed the above story to Fahiema, she asked, “Was it a runner?”

Me: What? Are you talking about the person or the consistency of his stool?

Anyway, the race did not go well. I was hoping to set a new personal best (anything under 2:08), but was struck by pins and needles and could barely keep up with the sub 2:15 pacesetter.

 

Botanizing

The following Instagrams were taken on my hike at Silvermine Nature Reserve.

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View from the Elephant's Eye, a cave at Silvermine Nature Reserve.

View from the Elephant’s Eye, a cave at Silvermine Nature Reserve.

Books

I am currently reading, “A splendid thousand sun” by Khaled Hosseni. He’s the very same guy who brought us “The kite runner”.

  • My sister graduated from Med School in December. Since then my gran no longer refers to my sister by her name. It is “the doctor”. “The doctor is sleeping. The doctor is home.”
  • Every time I go to hot yoga class, I have to remind myself NOT to hate on the skinny chicks. Fucking bitches.

And the latest in the travel diaries

On Sunday afternoon at 16:30, a colleague and I boarded a plane to Kimberley, a town in the Northern Cape famous for a big hole in the landscape. You can only imagine my unconstrained excitement at the prospect.

Upon arrival, we headed straight towards our hotel (Savoy Hotel). No sightseeing for us.

Not wanting to forage for sustenance at such a late hour, we decided to head down to the hotel restaurant for supper.

Waitress: All our meat is halaal.

Me: But you have bacon on your menu?

On Monday, I found out via Twitter that my dear friends, Dizzy* and Juan are engaged. To be married. To each other. This is what Juan had to say about the engagement, “It was touch and go,but in the end the brainwashing and breaking down of her self-esteem worked!”

God, I love you guys and I wish you everything of the best.

Just before I was about to sit down and write this article on my reasons for hating the movie Pretty Woman – romanticises the world’s oldest profession and teaches girls that we need a knight in shining armour to save us from our miserable existence etc – I came across an article in Marie Claire about a high class escort. Apparently the escort earns R500 an hour. R500 an hour! Upon hearing this, the capitalist in me immediately shouted, “Why the fuck are you still holding onto your morals? You could be owning a pair of Manolo Blanik’s in no time.”

Anyway back to the topic at hand. I’m not a big fan of the movie Pretty Woman. It might have something to do with the fact that I was only 7 when the movie came out in 1990 (I did some actual research) and therefore didn’t catch any of the subtle nuisances of the movie, that and I was too young to give a damn about the romantic notions of love. Other movies that I’ve been told that I should appreciate but don’t: “Ghandi”, “Sleepless in Seattle” and “Gone with the Wind.”

As I mentioned earlier Pretty Woman romanticises the world’s oldest profession. I fear that little girls watching Pretty Woman might aspire to be nothing more than one of those Lansdowne Road working girl (which I had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting). Hoping that on one cold night a limousine encasing a rich, educated, handsome gentleman will pull up and simply as for directions. They are more likely to accosted by a married middle aged guy driving a 1997 Ford Escort who would be expecting just a little more than directions from her. He’s also likely to give her a little more than just cash, something that will leave a burning sensation every time she urinates. Girls should be well aware of the fact that being a hooker is a hard job and there are quite a few pricks out there.

Reason two is it like fairytales it perpetuates the like that women actually require a man to save them from their miserable existence. And just like some fairytales it should be handed out with a warning. No seriously. Let’s look at how sexist the following fairytales are: Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, Rapunzel and Red Riding Hood.

Sleeping Beauty
A pretty girl (aren’t they all) finds a spindle in an attic and decides to spin. Say what? How many modern women do you know what actually voluntarily knit or sew for fun? It gets worse. She pricks her finger and remains comatose until some guy rescues her. Summary: Pretty girl with no intentions other than being a good wife finds herself in a hapless situation and needs a RICH guy to save her sorry ass.

Snow white
Pretty girl (noticing a trend?) is hated by an older vain woman who is fearful of being replaced by a younger model. Snow white escapes woman’s clutches by cooking and cleaning for seven short men. (Once again woman is placed in a domesticated role). Snow white eventually succumbs to eating a poison apple and chokes. And guess who helps Snow white out of this pickle. A RICH man does!

Cinderella
This one really gets to me. Cindy is treated as a slave by her stepmother and stepsisters. But she never complains. The only time Cindy gets upset is when she’s not allowed to go to the ball. What the fuck? Is this girl shallow or what? You’re forced to do manual labour each day but the thing that really gets you is that you can’t play dress up? Cindy eventually gets her way and dances with prince but runs out at 12 before he even gets her number. The only way for the Prince will find Cindy is by asking every maiden in the village to try on a glass slipper. (And to this very day women still force their feet into shoes that will promise to cut off all feeling, when they go out clubbing). Man, I hope Cindy was wearing a mask when she was at the ball otherwise I really need someone to explain to me why the Prince was incapable of identifying Cindy without the assistance of the slipper.

Rapunzel
Girl with long hair is trapped in a tower. She lets down her hair so that her boyfriend can come up for some nookie. Boyfriend is like all modern men. He realises that he’s onto a good thing. He gets the milk for free and doesn’t have to deal with any commitment issues – Rapunzel is after all trapped in her Ivory Tower. He therefore makes absolutely no plans to rescue her. The witch who had Rapunzel incarcerated finds out when she realises that Rapunzel is preggies. (What you didn’t read the Grimm’s fairytale version?) Witch cuts Rapunzel’s hair, tricks boyfriend into climbing up the tower, boyfriend is shocked to find its not his concubine and jumps out of the tower, blinding himself forever. Oh wait this one breaks the mould – hot rich guy not there to save her. Agh, well I enjoyed imparting the fact that a jackass boyfriend got his just desserts.

Red Riding Hood
I’m not sure if this one was pretty but she sure was stupid. She couldn’t even tell the difference between a wolf and her grandmother. She too was rescued by a man.

When I was younger (about four or five years old) my parents thought it would be a good idea to place me on the lab of an older, stranger who was dressed up in a red woollen suit in the middle of summer. They were painfully wrong! I screamed blue murder and till this very day I have a strong aversion to Santa Clause.
And how can anyone blame me for being suspicious of Santa???? I mean think about it! The guy has a toy factory shop filled with little kids who work their fingers to the bone for absolutely no pay. Not only is that child labour but it is also slave labour.
The guy also creeps around in the dead of night, climbing down chimneys without the home owner’s consent. Now I’m not a criminal law expert (although I do watch a lot of Law and Order), but I’m pretty sure that’s breaking and entering. It’s especially alarming considering that “he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you are awake, he knows when you’ve been good or bad”. Has Santa been standing behind the bush in front of my bedroom window?
Then there’s his ruse to get little innocent boy and girls to sit on his lap. He promises these trusting little souls anything their hearts’ desires BUT to get these gifts they have to sit on his lap first. Am I the only one that sees how diabolical that truly is? And what kind of values does teach little kids? It teaches them that if they do little “favours” for older gentlemen, they will reward you with a penthouse apartment and Mercedes? I’m pretty sure that’s how most Anna Nicole Smiths started out – on the lap of Santa Clause.
And finally there’s Santa’s treatment of reindeer. Now I have absolutely no problem with animals doing manual labour. I understand that in certain cases people have to use animals for transport. But when you have easy access to international flights then there is absolutely no reason to use six reindeer to lug around the entire world’s population’s presents for 24 hours. And it’s not like Santa can’t afford an aeroplane ticket. He owns a toy factory and doesn’t pay his workers a cent. His factory is also situated in the North Pole so it’s not like his rent is going to be sky-high. And there’s absolutely no competition for living space on that side – no one wants to live in the North Pole. So he can most certainly buy himself an around-the-world ticket.
And that ladies and gentleman is why I am very, very weary of Santa Clause.

Santa, the fiend